configuring

ballerina running

In Uncategorized on March 10, 2011 at 2:49 am

So, it has been a long week. Very long, maybe too long and it is only Wednesday night. While I should be going to bed about now the wheels in my head begin to turn as I realized it has been too long since I have written in this silly blog. So it is time, and perhaps tonight is too late for a lengthy note my mind is full of thoughts that is a journey worth of time. Yet, the older I become time seems to be increasing in demand. I remember being a child and boredom was my worst nightmare. Somehow, having too much time would drive me crazy and I never wanted to sit…I wanted to DO DO DO. Then I became a DOER and all I did was do do do…now I just want to sit sit sit. I guess that is why old people sit around so much, you got to make up for lost sitting eventually. Maybe I am too young to stop…I guess its time to keep doing.

check this out 🙂

http://sports.webshots.com/photo/1348962564059047901iWJdXK

sleepy sunday

In Uncategorized on February 23, 2011 at 3:45 am

Sleep is a good thing.

This afternoon I was crazed with all the tasks before me, the laundry is overdue, there is no food in the fridge and my husband said, “don’t think about it.” We opened a book and soon my body drifted from my mind, I was fooled into slumber. One of the sweetest forms of sleep is being tricked into it. A dreamful bliss, given by surprise, unplanned and an extra gift from the God above. Yes, I had a nap this afternoon!

 

I don’t like to talk much about having a heart condition, recently I have been making an attempt to be less afraid. Less afraid of people, of myself and being okay with all that I am: good, bad or neither. I think the biggest topic that has haunted me is the reality that I have a machine inside of me that keeps me alive. I often feel frail and weak, as if I cheated death and I am on borrowed time. Often we are oblivious that death is near. Not to be dramatic, regardless of my pacemaker I could die tomorrow. Are we to dwell on such realities? That life as we know and see it could end drastically leaving us with what and where? Sometimes I delight in knowing my life here has an end, death feels romantic. The sort of feeling you have before a first kiss or the first time you fall in love. It a visceral postulation that in time will become the current event.

I have an odd fascination with the concept of death. I used to love cemeteries, walking among the dead, knowing their souls were elsewhere but also feeling they had a secret and have experienced something I haven’t.  Since my pacemaker, I have felt I am on borrowed time. Time that isn’t my own but belongs to the God who allowed me to stay alive for a while longer.

My fascination with such morbidity is unexplainable but I don’t want to be afraid of what awaits me. Every day is new and I want to embrace life or death whatever it will be. To not fear the failure that may await me but love the time that has been given to me.

 

did someone leave their banana peel behind?

In Uncategorized on February 16, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Dance as in life has a way of humbling you, sometimes to your knees or even your face. Recently, I was taking technique class with the lovely David Howard and during a tours jete; I landed flat on my face. It was one of my many embarrassing moments as the entire class stopped and many friends and super stars of today’s dance scene surrounded me. I felt the encirclement of embarrassment as I sheepishly peeled my face off the floor, hoping I was still in one piece, any misplaced bones or limps? Luckily, I had a little jerk to the back but nothing a $200.00 massage couldn’t fix.

As in life, we have unexpected setbacks or falls. Sometimes we are able to peel ourselves off the floor but other times our bones walk away but our skin is left layered on the floor. Sometimes I feel so raw it hurts, other times I just want someone to hold me and never let go. I don’t understand the turns and shifts at hand. All I know is that after each day there is a new one full of hopes and dreams I never knew existed. Disappointments hurt but maybe what I thought I wanted isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Maybe life will surprise you, if we stop fighting for our ideal and let reality be beautiful in it’s joys and crashes. Maybe we need to discover the life we have instead of pursuing something outside of ourselves and that alone could be what we never knew we wanted in it’s bitterness and sweetness.